The Seven Stages of Trauma Bonding
Have you ever found yourself in a toxic relationship in which you were unhappy and often mistreated, but somehow still felt unable to break away? This type of emotional attachment is known as a trauma bond and is a major part of abusive relationships.
The first step to breaking free is acceptance of such a bond, so today, we’re going to discuss the seven stages of trauma bonding (yup, seven) so you can recognize it and take the necessary steps to protect yourself and break away.
What is a trauma bond?
A trauma bond is a connection between an abusive person and the individual they abuse. It generally happens when the abused person begins to feel attached or dependent on their abuser or develop feelings of loyalty, affection, or love.
Why does trauma bonding happen?
Trauma bonding occurs due to cycles of abuse followed by intermittent love, reward, or affection. This type of treatment creates a powerful emotional bond that is very difficult to break. In fact, most people don’t even realize they are in a trauma bond, even if their friends and family can clearly see the toxicity and destructiveness.
The seven stages of trauma bonding
Believe it or not, there are seven stages of trauma bonding. It’s important to be aware of them so you can recognize if you’re trapped in this type of situation.
Stage 1: Love bombing
Your partner will shower you with excess love, flattery, and appreciation in an effort to gain your affection. Your connection will feel deep, intense, and genuine—you might even consider this person your soul mate.
Stage 2: Trust and dependency
Your partner will do everything they can to win your trust and make you depend on them for love, affection, and validation. At this point, you’ll feel safe and secure with them and feel that you can really rely on them.
Stage 3: Criticism
Your partner will gradually start to criticize you. Initially, it might just seem like the natural result of two people getting to know each other, but their criticism will quickly escalate and become more pervasive.
Stage 4: Gaslighting
Your partner will start to blame you for everything that goes wrong. They make you doubt your own perceptions and manipulate you into believing their narrative.
Stage 5: Resigning to control
At this point, it seems impossible to have an open discussion. You decide to try to do things their way in order to keep the peace and get back to the loving feelings of stage 1.
Stage 6: Loss of self
Every time you try to speak up, your partner unleashes a barrage of blame and criticism that is painful, exhausting, and degrading. You do whatever they want just to make the fighting stop. You lose your voice, sense of self, and confidence.
Stage 7: Addiction
You become addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. Your body is running on high levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) and you start craving relief or pleasure. This creates a cycle of dependency that can feel very much like a drug addiction. You likely know that the relationship is bad for you, but you either make excuses for it (like your partner has a traumatic past or they treat you well sometimes), or feel unable to leave it.
Seek help or guidance
Breaking a trauma bond can be very difficult and may take time, but it’s wholly possible. If you suspect that you’re trapped in a trauma bond or feel unable to leave a toxic relationship, it’s important that you seek guidance or advice from a trusted friend or family member, or ideally, a therapist or counselor. When you’re in the midst of a trauma bond, your vision of reality can be very clouded. Working with a therapist can help you uncover the reality of the situation and create a plan for how to move forward.
Lastly, if you recognize yourself in this post, don’t be hard on yourself. This is, unfortunately, a common situation that anyone can find themselves in. It’s not your fault and although it might not seem like it now, you can break free and regain your independence, sense of self, and joy.
References:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/trauma-bonding
